Update September 2022: Since this blog post was published, readers have emailed, sharing stories of loved and lost horses. Inspired by one email exchange with a mom in South Africa whose daughter lost a pony, in 2020 I published a book which digs deeper into the topic: Strands of Hope: How to Grieve the Loss of a Horse (Advice and Stories to Help You Heal.)
How to Grieve the Loss of a Horse in 10 Not-So-Easy Steps
Have you or someone you know recently lost a horse? The pain of losing one’s best equine pal is a very real thing. I remember when I lost my heart horse DC, I felt like I was socked in the gut and I didn’t want to eat (which is unusual for me). There is no one right path to grieve the loss of a horse, but I jotted down some ideas that helped me process my painful loss and try to heal.
I’m not a psychologist or minister, but I’m happy to tell my story in the hope that it encourages someone else. I want to share what helped me get through a difficult era in my horse-loving life when I suddenly lost my beautiful steed of 16 years to colic.
Every person is unique so this is not a “must-do” list. There is no fix. These are just my thoughts on what helped me feel a little bit better (if even only temporarily). Think of this as sisterly advice. Take what is helpful and leave the rest.
1. Cry
I cried for days and weeks after my sweet DC died. I remember it feeling like a literal weight was on my body. I’m not generally much of a cry-er, but I made up for it following his death on November 1, 2010. I’ve cried many times since then as I written posts for this blog. Just thinking about him or looking at an old picture would be a trigger. I decided to stop feeling silly for crying over “just a horse,” because he was more than an animal I owned for 16 years. He was a confidante, comedian, and adventure partner, to name a few roles he held.
2. Know It’s Okay to Take a Break from Horses
Speaking of triggers, it was hard to be around other happy people with their horses and so I stopped riding. I pretty much did not ride for about four years. I knew I would return to it someday, but I didn’t have the heart to invest my emotion again. My dad went to the barn to pick up my bridle, saddle and tack trunk with all my horse gear. It stayed in the garage for a long, long time. It was fine out there.
3. Go to Work (or School)
I remember the morning we had to euthanize DC I said to my husband, “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do right now.” He said I should go to work–that staying home wouldn’t help anything. I made it to school crying for most of my hour commute. When I got there I remember feeling a sense of relief. It was like play acting. I didn’t tell my students and I went through my day just like any other. While I was engaged with the kids, my brain couldn’t “go there” meaning I was able to have a breather from my grief. Keeping on my normal routine was helpful.
4. Take a Risk and Tell Non Horse People in Your Life
About halfway through that horrible day I confided in another teacher about my loss. I didn’t know her very well, but I knew she was not a horse person. I was astonished at just how compassionate her response was. She seemed to really grasp the full weight of my sorrow and in fact, offered to cover my afternoon classes for me (with another teacher). I was able to end my day a bit early without having to take official time off. There was not a single non-horse person I shared my loss with who tried to diminish my sadness.
If you are at a place in your grief journey where you’re ready to commemorate your horse’s life, CLICK HERE for some tangible ideas on how to honor your horse.
5. Write a Eulogy
I sat down to write on that fateful day and composed a full-blown horse eulogy. I then emailed it to my close family, friends, and anyone I’d known from previous barns over the years who’d had a connection with DC and me. I received some of the most beautiful, encouraging words in response to my message. It felt good knowing I was not the only one who loved that horse. Having little pieces of other people’s sadness to mix in with my own huge pot was some comfort. I knew I wasn’t alone.
6. Don’t Feel Guilty Being Sad
Another thing that I struggled with was feeling guilty that I was so distressed over losing a horse when other people had lost a spouse or child, job or health. I thought on a grand scale about all the hurting people in the world–refugees, child laborers in factories, people persecuted for their faith and felt like my Problem was so small compared to real PROBLEMS. I can’t remember which friend assured me it was okay to feel my feelings on this one, but someone set me straight insisting that it’s okay to mourn loss–it’s part of the human experience.
7. Realize it Might Take Months or Years
Everyone grieves at his or her own pace from what I can tell. During my short tenure with Knight (since the end of September 2014) I don’t believe I’ve cried over DC once. It was that way with my first dog. When I lost Winnie, I missed her sooo much. Talk about a constant companion. My eyes would well up when I thought about her. Enter Missie. She is a bounding ball of joy. Not a replacement for my departed dog, but a sweet companion who keeps me “in the moment.”
8. Find Comfort in Faith
I’m a Christian and my faith is important to me. I know there is no biblical evidence that animals go to heaven. However, I also know that Scriptures teach “His eye is on the sparrow.” If a loving God cares about sparrows, wouldn’t He also care about noble, beautiful horses? And surely He cares about the heartbroken horse mourner. The book of Revelation states that in the future Jesus will ride on a white horse. Hmmm. . . wouldn’t that mean horses are in heaven?
Perhaps you are of a different religious tradition or not particularly religious. Yet maybe there is a spiritual truth or faith practice that would help you. In a book called Mudhouse Sabbath the author Lauren Winner outlines Judaism’s mourning path which consists of a series of rituals over the course of a year and then an annual acknowledgment. I appreciate these words:
“This calendar of bereavement recognizes the slow way that mourning works, the long time it takes a grave to cool, slower and longer than our zip-zoom Internet-and-fast food society can easily accommodate. Long after your friends and acquaintances have stopped paying attention, after they have forgotten to ask how you are and pray for you and hold your hand, you are still in a place of ebbing sadness. Mourning plateaus gradually, and the diminishing intensity is both recognized and nurtured by the different spaces the Jewish mourning rituals create.”
If fox hunts host annual “Blessing of the Hounds” ceremonies, perhaps it’s not ridiculous to think of a way to commemorate a dearly departed horse.
9. Attempt New Activities
Outside of the realm of horses, there are a whole host of wonderful pastimes. I had been a lindyhopper for several years before DC died, but after he was gone, I was able to get more involved in dancing pursuits. My husband and I starting attending swing dance camps and workshops. They’re really fun. Not on the same level as riding fun–never a replacement hobby–but fun nonetheless. And good exercise!
10. Get Back in the Saddle
One of the first times I rode after the loss of my horse was when my niece’s friend’s mom let us ride her Argentine polo ponies. Even though my husband schooled me at polo, I had a ball. A year or two after that I visited my former trainer who also happens to be a dear friend. She kind of forced me to hop on one of her horses. I was really nervous, but when I was in that borrowed saddle in a borrowed helmet and just jeans, I felt like I had come home again. I think that short ride set me on the path to knowing it was time to resume my passion. And for that I am grateful.
Please Comment: Have you had to grieve the loss of a horse? What helped you to ease the pain? How did you grieve the loss of a horse?
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I'm Susan and this is my horse Knight. We have been a blogging team since 2015 and we're glad you're here. Tally ho!
Man, my eyes tear up just reading about it and thinking about losing Simon. I will NOT take that well, but hopefully it’s a long way away. This is good advice and very important to think about, because it’s easy to try and tell yourself you shouldn’t feel so sad over ‘just’ a horse.
Thanks for reading, Lauren and I’m sorry for making you get teary. 🙁 You nailed it: they’re not “Just” horses. Simon’s young and I hope you have many many happy years together.
❤️❤️
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So glad to hear you are a Christian! I am as well!
Cried when I read this!!! I was at Kathy’s when I found out. I went and told her and broke down.
I still cry sometimes when I think about my TB I lost about 7 years ago. My grief lasted especially long because I didn’t really let myself grieve. Writing a eulogy is a wonderful idea.
I lost my beautiful TB this month November 1, 2021. She was 27 but looked like 15. My farrier couldn’t believe her age. Even her Vet said we were doing such a great job of keeping her healthy! I had her since she was a 2 year old so 25 years with my best friend. Everyone that knew her loved her. It was a shock to me when she died as she was doing so well. She had copd but was on maintenance dose of steroid that kept her lungs clear. She also had bouts of laminitis. She seemed perfectly fine when I saw her the day before but I guess her age finally got the best of my Widget. At least she wasn’t alone when she crossed the horses Rainbow Bridge I will forever miss her as will all that knew her. I loved her like family as that’s what she was to me. To all that have lost their precious horse I send heartfelt condolences. They are true Angel’s on this earth. ❤❤
I’m so very sorry to hear this. I know how heartbreaking it is. You are not alone. I hope you have some friends nearby who can weather this grief with you.
What a thoughtful post. Recently, we lost a horse who was very special to me and, probably more so, to my young daughter. It was tough. I had wanted to write about it on our blog but just kept not being able to really find the right words. I procrastinated it until I finally just ended up not writing much on it. So good to see someone else posting such a thoughtful piece!
Thank you for commenting. I hope you do write about about your experience one day. Your story will resonate with lots of people and bring others hope too.
lovely post – made me a little teary reading it, but in a good way. glad you are in a good place now and that horses have found their way back into your life!
Thanks, Emma. You’re so sweet. I’m really grateful to be “back in the saddle.” Sounds cheesy, but it’s true. 🙂
I can’t believe DC has been gone almost 5 years. I still think about him. He had such personality! I’m so glad you found Knight and are riding again.
Thanks, Gail! I can’t wait for you to meet Knight in person. 🙂
Great post. I also stopped riding for nearly four years after losing my horse, Moses. That space from riding was what I needed, and now that I’m back at it, I have an extra appreciation and love for it.
I am so glad you commented. It’s nice knowing someone else has shared this difficult path! 🙂 Great to hear that you’re riding again. Moses must have been a very special horse.
This reminded me so much of the path I’ve taken after losing my heart horse. I cried, I was angry and then came the guilt. It’s a long, hard road but it does get easier with time.
The loss of my mini has devastated me. She small but her love was huge. She stole my heart from the very first time i saw her. I have five other horses. All full size, she was my only mini. Everyone love her. She was only 15 and for mini’s thats young. I had her stabled but had promised her we would have her in a pasture soon. That day never came. I lost her 3 days ago. She died from septic shock but we dont know wgat caused the septic shock. I know she has her angel wings but God could stand being without her any longer.my heart hurts sooo bad.
I am so sorry to hear this sad news. That is so strange–the septic shock. Hang in there. 🙁
I lost my first pony Maxi 1st of september this year to colic, too. I can not stop blaming myself and my mother for his death. He had a few colics before and i did not even realize there are supplements for horses that prevent colics. My mom switched his hay to completely different kind in one day, because she had apparently done that before with no problems but this time Maxi got a bad colic just a few days after my mom had fed him the new hay. If only i had been at home that time to make sure the hay switch would happen little by little, he could still be here. Also it could have been worms, there had never been worms or eggs visible in lab tests so i just didn’t give him worming medicine for years. What if that is what caused it. We never did an autopsy, which I regret. If he would have been someone else’s pony, maybe he would still live and florish.
I had him and his sister for 12 years since i was a 12 years old kid and he was the sweetest and most talkative boy, he would neigh every time i came to the stable, or even when i would open a window in our house. In the summertime, he was grazing freely on our yard with his sister and would come running to the stable when i called him. He was the best company on long walks in the woods, i would just take him with me on a leash and we would go to this beautiful spot that is on the top of a hill next to a beautiful forest lake and he would eat grass and i would sit there watching birds. When i cried, he came to me and stood there so i could hug him. When i sprained my ankle in the pasture, he came to me and literally walked me out of there supporting me. There just will not be anyone like him and i hate it so much that he is gone. I don’t think i will ever have a new horse or pony again because they just are not at all what Maxi was like. I will have to find my other pony a new home as well, since she can’t be alone. In the future, how can i look outside at the abandoned stable building and pasture that grows tall grass and know that i will never ever spend another summer with my ponies. It’s just so horrible.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s really a difficult thing. I would encourage you to go easy on yourself in this time of grief. I hope you have some trusted friends you can confide in to help you process this difficult time of loss. Big hugs from California.
I lost my horse yesterday from heart failure. He got into some old cattle pellets my dad had in a pale which I didnt know was even on our property since we gavent had steers for 8 yrs. Dakota died from the ionophores in the feed. It took 24 hours and he died in front of me. I would not leave his side. This is the worse pain I’ve ever felt. Dakota was a rescue horse we got about 7 yrs ago. He spent half his life abused and neglected. I’m glad to say he spent the other half of it with all the love in the world. Dakota was my best friend and my everything. I have no kids nor a husband just my dad and I on our farm. I spent everyday with Dakota. He would neigh at me as soon as I pulled in the driveway. Or if I called out his name hed come running and neigh. We took walks everyday and go visit our neighbors cows. I just sit in the grass while he was grazing and Dakota would come over to me and give me a little head nudge. I know he loved me so much and I loved him . He was my life. I dont know how I’ll get through this. I want him back.
He did not suffer when he died the vet kept reminding me and I gave him a great life but I feel it was not his time and he was taken from me to soon. Summer is coming and I’m not looking forward to it. Sitting outside with my best friend is nothing but a dream now.
I lost my horse and best friend last Saturday. He was actually healthy, not even that old. But nevertheless I got a call. And I couldn’t believe it. Because that very morning. 2 hours prior. I had seen him, greeting him me like he does every morning before I leave for work. But in de 45 minutes between that moment and the moment my mother entered the stable. He had passed away. The vet told me he had passed even before he fell. That there was no sign of any struggle. And though it is so hard. That was a relief.
But it hurts. It hurts so bad. And though I do go to work. Once I come home. And see his empty stable. I cry. And I can’t stop crying. He wasn’t just a horse. He never was. He was part of our family.
It comforts me in a way, reading your story. For I know what it’s like. This story is probably a mess. But honestly. It helps. Writing. Putting feelings and thoughts into words.
This is so heartbreaking, Joya. I’m sorry for your loss. It is really tough. Hang in there and go easy on yourself. Ride if you want, avoid the barn if you want. Take the time you need to grieve, process and heal. It’s not easy, but you will be okay in time.
We lost not one but 4 horses of our herd in 2019. The first one was in May, an elderly gelding- failure to thrive despite all our measures. Then my husband’s 32yo horse colicked in September. My personal riding horse- a gorgeous 27yo 16H pinto had sustained a permanent injury in the spring and was put down September 10th. We rehomed a thoroughbred mare in October to a more suitable home (she needed to be restarted) – and learned she died on December 20th. As I look back at the reasons I purchased these wonderful horses- if I had known the profound sadness experienced with their loss- it is hard to know whether they should have come into our lives. However being aware that each of them had a wonderful last couple years – frolicking in the field, eating well and generally being pampered, then my time spent with them was meaningful.
We debated getting “out of horses” because they were being used for casual riding, but did find another wonderful TWH for my husband in December 2019. The only horse left from the herd of 2019 still battles arthritis- but with great vet care he is comfortable. And I purchased another w-t-c horse for myself- but alas he is not even a close replacement for my dear pinto.
His death is the one that has brought me to my knees with loss and grief. Perhaps some day I will no longer shed tears every time I think of him. But not today.
Thank you for this article. I lost my sweet Kayla, April 13, 2021, just 2 days ago to colic. I am heartsick, but your article is so helpful. So much of what you wrote I’ve been feeling now, especially the heaviness and feel the weight of the grief in such a tangible way. You are so kind to publish your experience to help other people. I appreciate your article a lot, and also the comments of readers. To Julia SR, April 7, post, I am struck by how fortunate your horses were to be loved and cared for in their older age. To author Susan, so glad DC had such love in his life. God bless.
Absolute pleasure and honour for 29 years for owning my riding my Australian Quarter Horse Mare passed away naturally internal tumour related breathing issues short shallow breaths. Died lying flat with her blue rug did not respond early morning eyes open and her ears not responding at a click click from me 100 metres distant… I felt and sensed that I had lost her. A gentle passing and natural. My horse was very clingy to me super clingy last life wide eyes follow me it hurts watching old bold horse eyes… it is an experience where you walk she follows then shuts down calls out when sees me… off food …on food urinated blood at one time. Teeth falling out collecting them. Originally purchase her just age 5 when I was in my 20’s and gone in my 50’s when she was almost 34 years old always at home. Part of the family and household go anywhere anytime with anyone level headed. Buried at home and identified. Long term horse human relationship one to one never to be repeated in my life. I don’t want another private horse. Have retired. A great journey. Love horses aways. Always for others but mine has gone.
Postscript a year ago as my horse’s passing 27th October 2020 yes moving on buried 10 foot under and planting South Australian Blue Gums over her grave with a marker identifying the location of a great horse riding go anywhere anytime with anyone and with me. Moving on I feel it and letting go she is there and so am I. Thank you I love you always and miss you.
Yes further info I was owner of ‘Twilly’ Australian Quarter horse mare Registry number A1 2956 Progeny number 63870 foaled 24th January 1987 passed away 27th October 2020. What a super respectable horse loved her to bits at home always now gone… I am moving on. Wow what a life it was ride anywhere anytime in the bush on the beach splash in the water dam in riding schools with disabilities Riding for Disabled across our land in Australia. History now and I am having a closure. Thank you. Love you Twilly always.
I empathize with all these losses. I’ve been feeling all the same feelings. We just lost our Quincy horse-we had him 21 of his 28 years-he was truly our gentle giant and chose to love us as deeply as we loved him. He had internal lipomas that strangulated his small intestines. There was really nothing we could do but let him go to God. The lion lays down with the lamb in heaven; so I know he’s there, my sense of loss is so acute! The world was a better place with him in it!
It makes me so sad to read of the heart break in everyone’s stories and I cry just thinking about my guy Clyde, who’s 19 and I’ve only had for a year. He’s alive and well, but I know that one day my world will end when he goes to heaven. I definitely believe that we will see our horses again in the afterlife. There are many verses in both the old and New Testament that speak to this how all creatures have a covenant with God after the flood, and how all creatures have souls and will be at peace together hanging out. The book Heaven is for Real, a true story about a 4-year-old who died and went to heaven, said he saw his grandfather, and their dog there. It is a comfort to know that we will see our heart horses again and helps to lessen the sting of such a great loss.
I saw the movie Heaven is for Real and it was very touching. I think the little boy even said Jesus was riding a horse. I saw it years ago–I can’t remember for sure.
Hello…I’m still struggling three years after losing my baby. My family wants me to get back on horses, but I just cry every time I think about how he’s gone. I feel like it has been long enough to grieve, and maybe I’m just avoiding the inevitable, but the truth is that I’m not done grieving. What do I tell them?
I lost my Gypsy 2 weld ago, by no fault of my own. She was poisoned by a vicious neighbor who has a problem with what my husband and I are doing (homesteading and raising dairy goats), which varied her ri collapse and subsequently broke her hip. I held her for 12 hours waiting on my vet to get there to euthanize her. Hr never showed up, and I made a commitment to her, that it’s about QUALITY of life, not QUANTITY. So my poor husband had to do it. She passed away on August 27, 2021 at 138 pm.
My memory box has helped me tremendously. It contains some of Gypsy’s things… Her favorite halter,
This is very upsetting to hear. I’m so sorry. I cannot imagine the depth of pain and anger you have. Words fall flat, but know I’m pulling for you and I wish I could give you a big hug in person. 🙁
I just had to put my mare, Maggie, to sleep yesterday. I wasn’t sure how to feel at first, I felt sad but also angry that I had to make the choice. She was my best friend for 11 years, us only being 6 months apart in age. She was only 23, I’m still angry about it now. But it’s been less than 24 hours, somehow reading your story, makes me feel better about the decision. She had arthritis in all four of her legs and there was just nothing else I could do. Watching her struggle to get around the pasture was the end for me, she did great for about a year after diagnosis and just recently went down hill fast. The vet didn’t think she would make it through last winter and she made it over a year, she was definitely a fighter. I’m sure I’ll get back in the saddle someday, but today nor tomorrow will be that day. I would just like to thank you for making me feel better about grieving the loss of my baby.
I am so very sorry. This is heartbreaking news. Please accept my condolences and a big hug from Illinois. 🙁
In a few days I have to say goodbye to my
best friend and first horse, Georgie. I’m completely devastated, but I know it is the right thing to do. She’s only 21 years old but she broke her stifle in her left leg and did something to her hip on the right side a year and a half ago and miraculously somewhat recovered (she became retired but still loved to canter around in the field with her friends). About two weeks ago she’s been really going downhill and turns out she has terrible arthritis where her injury was and her other legs are now too weak from holding all her weight. She’s a fighter that’s for sure but I can’t bare to see her like this anymore. we put her on lots of painkillers so she’s comfortable for now, I want to make her last few days peaceful and filled with love. I’m really struggling with how she won’t be here with me in a few days but reading this helped me feel less alone and that I can get through this tough time. I want to thank you for bringing me a little more peace and comfort going forward in the next few days.
I lost my sweet boy to colic two days ago. He was in the best condition of his life. I’d had amazing jumping and dressage lessons just a few days before. He left so suddenly I feel as though the breath has been knocked out my lungs. Trombone was a sensitive horse who was my complete solace. I feel as though I’ve lost a part of me, my oasis, my soul mate. I feel utterly devastated and unsure of how it’s possible to ever overcome such grief. All consuming and heart wrenching.
I’m so sorry for your loss. This is so hard. Know there are so many equestrians who have had the same feelings and grief–maybe that will help you a teeny tiny bit.
My boy colicked a few days ago and died. I like to imagine him running in a green field in horse heaven.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope he is galloping up there too.
I lost my 6 year old horse yesterday to colic. They were optimistic about the surgery and that they would just have to flip the colon. His colon had ruptured though, and there was nothing anyone could do. He was 6. An amazing 6 year old who was going into the 1.15 this year. An amazing 6 year old who was going to go to college with me. Gone. It’s not fair.
Sorry for your loss my friend just lost her horse after 31 years may 1990 to may 2022 she called him pretty boy
I had to have my 16 year olds first pony pts last week and it actually broke me it’s the first horse I have ever had to have pts and it has left the biggest hole in my heart having 3 others has made it very difficult as we have had to get on with it even though every fibre of me wanted to stay away and find them all new homes I’m starting to get my head around it, but keep questioning myself daily did I do the right thing could I have done more? The vet said no I was doing the right thing but then I question did he know what we were doing was he ready? I think he was but I can’t live with the fact it was ultimately my decision my 16 year old was so brave she held him all the way through from the beginning till way past the end I know he knew how loved he was but it doesn’t make it any easier. Reading the comments on here has made me realise that most people go through the same stages of grieving which has helped a little although I am sat writing this out crying with every word
Thank you
I lost my beautiful Spirit on Saturday. He was sick and depressed in the hospital. He needed me but I wasn’t there for him. That call was unexpected at that time. He’d had surgery the day before and the vet stated that he was much better. They even refused to let me back in the hospital after I left for a short break the previous night, stating that he needed the rest, so I thought he was fine. I’ve lost many friends of various species, including humans. Having not been there for him is now crushing and unbearable. Don’t listen to the vet or anyone else. If you think your horse needs you, then go. It was one of the worst mistakes of my life. No one cares for your horse like you do. Ag people think of horses as property =$. The vet told me straight up that “most people just drop them off and buy another horse.” The vet also obviously fabricated details, treated me like an emo case, and stated that they gave him tons of peppermints and told him over and over that he was loved…but then immediately also told me they cut his mane and tail off while he was still alive. Don’t trust anyone else to care, or to treat your friend with respect. Don’t listen to anyone else’s advice. Just go. It will be horrible and traumatizing, but not being there is far worse for both of you. Ask yourself if you would knowingly leave any other family member to die alone with strangers who think of your family as just another case, or worse, a commodity. No, you wouldn’t. Just be there if you can be. You’ll be so grateful for the opportunity to send your friend with love.
Im sooo sad, grieving already and my horse is still here, but I am planning his euthanasia …my daughter will fly here to be with him,( and me) as I know I cannot bear to be there. He is so special to me and others. He is not in terrible pain, but has cushings, is a 22 year old retired hunter jumper thoroughbred, been through many medical issues in the last 4 years. lots of money spent..and In October he had an eye removed due to uveitus and glaucoma, and he is not settling in to having just one eye. He freaks out at any sounds of movements that he cannot see, and with me hand walking its dangerous. Plus, he has skin allergies, is itchy, his energy level is reduced.. and his quality of life is not what i want for him… sooo hard.
I lost my 24 year old mare to colic in December. Had her since she was 8. I had broken my leg severly in a riding accident on another horse and had not been able to get to the barn to see my horse for a couple of months…though she was well taken care of I feel so much guilt that I was not there with her for those months before she colicked. I have not been able to get myself to the barn to get my tack and things and since I am still recovering don’t know if I can ride again.