About 15 Halloweens ago, I was home alone in my apartment on the second floor of a butter yellow 1920s house in South Pasadena. I got really freaked out by things that shouldn’t have been that scary. My neighborhood was highly trafficked by trick-or-treaters, and for whatever reason, the darkness and all the people streaming through the neighborhood made me uneasy.
In Los Angeles it’s not uncommon for people to drive their kids to trick or treating destinations, venturing way beyond their own neighborhoods in search of streets with highly decorated homes that give out candy generously. Masked strangers were invading my streets and comfort zone.
When I was of trick or treating age, I don’t remember the costumes being so realistic and dark. I remember masks and such, but not the kind of hulking, creeping, bleeding, ax-wielding type of characters prevalent today. I hated Santa and clowns as a kid. Something about people in disguise as something they’re not creeped me out then and still does to a degree.
There was a knock at the door and I refused to answer. The sound of my heart thumped loudly in my ears.
Next, plinking sounds bounced off the windows. The apartment was dark because I didn’t want people to know I was home–I didn’t have any trick or treat candy to give out. Before you judge me as a Halloween Scrooge, let me explain.
After spending all day with adolescents in my sixth grade classroom, the introvert in me did not want to deal with random people coming to my door. It seemed overwhelming to be friendly, handing out candy that would make kids high for their teachers the next day. Plus, I didn’t want creepy masked people in my face. You could say I was a conscientious objector.
When the plinking sound happened a few more times, I called the police, convinced a rowdy teenager was trying to vandalize the house or worse. The police came to the door a few minutes later and questioned me about the perp. They didn’t find the neighborhood monster.
I found out later the person who was knocking on the window was a friend of my roommate’s. He was the drummer from our church. Clearly not a criminal or scary stranger. I felt terrible that I called the cops on a friend, but how was I to know?
Flashback photo to a time before I knew Knight had kissing spine, before the wildfire.
Fear Knocks Again at Halloween
This Halloween season fear is knocking at my door again. Three distinct fears dancing like the Haunted Mansion specters sway in my brain.
To begin with, I’m excited and mildly terrified my first book will be published next month. I am eager to bring my memoir Horses Adored and Men Endured (that’s my affiliate link) into the world since the ideas inside have been waiting for over a decade to be shared with the world. My trepidation stems from my self-doubt:
What if no one besides my family buys this book that I poured my heart into?
What if people buy the book and read it and write mean reviews?
What if people judge me? (I share some really vulnerable stories in this memoir–like how I mostly failed at all romantic relationships and hung around for what I thought were promising relationships that turned to dust).
What if some of the guys that I write about in the book somehow find it and sue me for defamation of character?
And the list goes on and on.
The Second Fear
I also possess a fear of trying new things. But I’m out to vanquish this one. Here’s how:
I mailed a check this week to become a member of my local fox hunt for the season. I feel like the new kid on the first day of school, convinced that everyone else knows each other and I’m the only one who recently moved from a faraway place. This fear is not as intense as the first. Everyone I spoke to during the recent fox hunting clinic was great. It seems like a supportive community of riders.
If you have been following this blog for a while you’ll know my horse Knight is in a period of rehab right now, so I won’t be riding him in the hunt. I’ll have to coordinate a hireling. Speaking of Knight, I have great news! I got a text from his rehab angel (she really is awesome) stating he is ready to begin riding again. More on that in another future blog post.
The Final Fear
My third fear centers on another writing dream. I will be embarking on NaNoWriMo for the month of November. If you’re not familiar with National Novel Writing Month, it’s a movement around the globe for novel writers to compose a 50,000 word first draft. I have an idea for a middle grade novel–a series actually–but I’m not a fiction writer. It’s daunting.
I can write first person narratives all day long, but coming up with imaginary people in an imaginary setting with realistic conflict is going to be a bit of a challenge. I’m excited about some of the scenes that have played out in my head for this story, but I’m also concerned that I will fail. I have never even taken a fiction writing class! The last time I wrote fiction I was probably in middle school.
Riding Through Fears
I don’t want to be paralyzed by fear. I’ve been thinking about these fears lately and my strategy to vanquish them is to do what I would do if I were in the saddle:
Look up and ahead. Breathe. Keep moving forward. Listen to my cheerleaders, not the self-doubt.
Isn’t it funny how very simple riding concepts translate so beautifully to the day-in-day-out situations of life?
Your Turn: What are some of the fears that you have faced in or out of the saddle? What strategies did you employ to move past the fear? Leave your thoughts in the comments section. Have you ever done NaNoWriMo?
Thanks for reading and commenting. 🙂
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I'm Susan and this is my horse Knight. We have been a blogging team since 2015 and we're glad you're here. Tally ho!
Good for you, getting over your fears! Maybe I will join you on the hunt next year if Artie is doing better, then I’ll have someone to show me the ropes 🙂
I confess to going out MANY years (even just to hang out at Target) to avoid being home on Halloween and giving out candy. I am also an introvert and didn’t want to be home alone while a long line of strangers knocked on the door!
Did not know about novel writing month, but maybe it will give me the push I need… been thinking about writing a book for a long time, not really a memoir but a fictional story based on ideas from reality. Probably YA because that’s that’s my favorite. I used to write fiction ALL the time as a kid, but adulthood seems to be filled up with too many other things.
Okay, thank you once again for helping me not feel like a bad person. See you at Target tonight? But seriously, yes Artie hunting. And yes, to you giving fiction a shot. I know. It seems so indulgent writing fiction.
I love halloween and I rarely give out candy to trick or treaters – it helps that I live in a younger/party neighborhood so parents take their kids elsewhere (and before that I lived in a lovely town but on the ‘west side’ which was apparently the less desireable neighborhood but uh it was still really freaking nice!)
Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith, grow a little bit thicker skin and know that risks are worth taking. I’m sure fox hunting will be fine, as will the book release (I’ll see you at the Mary’s event!).
As far as NaNoWriMo – when I first started doing it about 10-11 years ago I’d work solitarily in my room.Then when I worked at an Art Gallery a couple years later I hosted local write-ins both in the gallery and local coffee shops. Organizing things is tiring (and I got paid to do it as a gallery manager) but now I hit up some of the local write groups. Even as an Introvert I find it’s fun to write with others. I encourage you to check out the NaNo website, sign up, befriend a couple people (pretty sure my username is Lnwilliams), and go try a write in! It’s not about winning it’s about trying.
Thanks for this encouragement, L! It’s exactly what I needed to hear today: “It’s not about winning, it’s about trying.” 🙂 And I it will be awesome to see you at Mary’s!
I’m kind of scared of Halloween myself. I saw a music video at a halloween party when I was a toddler, and I remember it saying “After Twelve-O-Clock, the monsters will come” or something like that, so now I am instinctively afraid at night(on Halloween). I have a fear of the dark which makes it worse. I also have a fear of heights, creepy clowns, large crowds,corridors(especially if they are narrow or dead ends), closets(at night),restrooms when they are empty, and dimly lit places.
Thanks for stopping by to comment! I am glad I’m not the only one afraid of clowns or dimly light places. I’m also afraid of some restrooms (that are dirty and gross. Ew.) 🙂
Congratulations on your memoir! I’ve pre-ordered it and can’t wait to read it.
As for NaNoWriMo? I have mixed feelings about it. I’m certainly more of a “pantser” when it comes to writing fiction, but while I found the first draft of my novel came easily, most of it needed a lot of revision! Like you, fiction was new to me and boy did I have a lot to learn. I’m about 3/4 of the way through the next version (I hate to call it a second draft because some of the chapters have been rewritten so many times!) and I still have so much to learn. So, while I think it’s not a bad idea to do the kind of info dump that NaNoWriMo requires, I wish I’d taken more time to plan and think about character arcs, how different themes in the story interact, etc.
One of the things that has really helped me is finding good critiquing buddies. I’d be more than happy to swap chapters with you, but I’ve also joined a writers group that meets in my town, and have found some very helpful advice on a platform called Scribophile. I’ve also taken some writing classes. Those help too, but so much is dependent on the other people in your class and how effectively they critique your work, that in the end I like to pick and choose who reads my chapters a bit more carefully.
As for working through fear? I still battle with it since my accident. I’ve planned some very precise steps to expand what I’m doing (I was going to do half of a hunt tomorrow) but the weather hasn’t cooperated. Too much rain and I don’t want to add to my anxiety by going out when the footing isn’t good.
I wish I could do NaNoWriMo, but with school and work and horses….it’s too much. I started writing a book this summer and got about 15000 or 20000 words done in like two weeks but then school started and I haven’t had time. It’s kinda a weird idea anyways and by 10000 words I used all my ideas besises the ending. I’ll go back to it one day. I also want to work on another idea I got over a year ago but just started wroking on. I think this one could be great and I have to write it because the person who inspired it needs to read it.
I’ve never thought about applying riding techniques to everyday life, but it does seem like good advice! Good luck with the fiction writing!
Thank you for the well wishes. So far I have about 8k words. That’s exciting you started a book. Even if you’re too busy now, it’s nice to have a work in progress to go back to. Weird ideas are sometimes the best ideas! Go for it!